Deaf Muse-ings

My sister’s wedding was this past Saturday, a week ago. While it was the best wedding I’ve been to, and a ton of fun - something I’ll remember for the rest of my life, it really got me thinking. Mostly about gay marriage.

As I looked around and saw all the love, the fun, and the celebration of the bond between my sister and her new husband, I thought….how dare we, as human beings, deny this kind of bond and celebration of that bond, to ANYone? How can people be so blindsided by their faith as to have the capacity to deny two people the right to declare their love for each other in front of a gathering of people, in front of their church (or whatever), and in front of their country?

It just so happened that my sister’s wedding was in North Carolina, which just a few weeks ago passed the First Amendement, which defines marriage as “between a man and a woman”, and all this other jabber. Not only that, but it includes all kinds of shit about child custody, etc. that not only bans homosexuals from getting married, but causes all kinds of crap for other people, including heterosexuals. This Amendment goes beyond gay marriage, but they centered their platform for promoting it on that. So its passage tells me that the majority of NC is so hateful against homosexuality and gay marriage, and so blind sided by that, that not only will they deny two people to legally declare their love (which also gives great benefits like tax benefits and all kinds of shit beyond having rings and such), but also creates problems for other people. THey are so against the idea of gay marriage that they will sacrifice what it takes to ban it.

How selfish. How incredibly, amazingly selfish. “I believe homosexuality is a sin, so I’m not going to let someone else who believes differently to get married, at the price of child custody for others and all kinds of hell.” That’s what I get from this.

Beyond that, though….it infuriates me. Our country is founded off of RELIGIOUS freedom, freedom of the pursuit of happiness, freedom of speech…all kinds of freedoms. But the statesmen and the populations are thinking of marriage strictly in a religious manner. The ONLY reasons I hear people against gay marriage are religious. That should have NOTHING to do with our state’s laws, which include the right to get married. Or, apparently, the right to not get married. People say “you can get a civil union”….but why get a fucking civil union when everyone else in this country has the right to be legally married? What, I ask, is the difference between a civil union and a legal marriage? The answer is, for those who oppose gay marriage, religion. Civil unions are not religious in nature. Legal marriages, traditionally speaking, are. BUT OUR COUNTRY’S STATE IS SEPARATE FROM ANY CHURCH.

Gah. It’s so frustrating! Don’t get me wrong, I respect any and all religious views. Just as long as people don’t try to convert me or shove their beliefs down my throat, which is why this is frustrating. Who cares if two men get married? If two men get married, nothing’s going to change with any preexisting marriage. No demons are going to begin to prowl the earth. God knows the gay population can’t procreate to “spread the gay” or anything. (Ok, seregate mothers and all, but that’s completely seperate from marriages, more or less) All that’s going to happen is two men or two women get to celebrate their love the same way my sister got to a week ago, and the same way she gets to for the rest of her life.

Why can’t I have the same as my sister? I’m so, so happy for her and I know her life is going to be amazing with Richard. I couldn’t be happier about this marriage. I just want to be able to have something like that for myself.

#whoathispostislongerthanIexpected

This week has been a terrible week for me. I’m losing count of the number of things I’ve been rejected for in this week alone. Things I wanted really badly.

1. Drum Major. I know….I never had a chance anyway because I’m a percussionist, but damn. That audition was hands down the best audition I’ve ever had for anything. I’ve auditioned for 3 years now, and I never got as much feedback from students as I did this time around, all of them telling me they thought I was great, etc. Not to get a big head - but it really did get my hopes up that I had a chance with this for once. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, though. That was a big letdown. The drum majors they picked for next year are both great, don’t get me wrong by any means. It’s just majorly disappointing.

2. Student conductor of Furman Singers. Another great audition, but it was very competitive. Same story - the two that were selected are great and will do great. I just wanted it very badly and didn’t get it. Nothing much else to say about that.

3. Spring Awakening. THIS was upsetting. I’m not the most familiar with the show, but from what I know of it, I thought it was a perfect fit for me. I’m a senior next  year, my audition was fine, and I fit the role I wanted the most. This week, each time I had a disappointment (like not getting DM, etc.), I would say “At least there’s Spring Awakening.”  

Yeah….didn’t happen. I’d like to say I’m a good vocalist, now. I’ve learned a ton. And I’ve proven that I’m a good actor by being a freakin’ mute king in Once Upon a Mattress. On top of that, I’m a senior. But all of the leads are sophomores and juniors. I don’t get it. I’m not trying to be diva, but it’s really disheartening to think that you just suck that much at everything you do. 

I’ve always been a mediocre percussionist. I’ve always been a mediocre composer. I’m learning more about singing…but apparently I’m still mediocre at that, too. I’m just a bundle of mediocrity, or at least thats how I feel right now. All of my friends are going to be in Spring Awakening having the time of their lives with that show. And where will I be? Stuck somewhere else missing out on what would have been my 2nd to last show with Pauper Players. 

I’ve felt incompetent plenty of times in my life before. But this is the most incompetent I have ever felt. And I’m sick of it. I’ve worked my ass off, but still have nothing to show for it.

#Rejectionhurts 

..is always an emotional roller coaster for me. We laugh, we philosophize, we chatter, we cry, and just enjoy a night of each others’ company. 

But man. This group is going to be hard for me to let go of. It’s funny because it’s really concentrated in just a few people of the senior class, but those people mean so, so much to me.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to adequately express how much those people have changed my life. Some of them saw me at my worst - some of them were my lifeline to sanity. They saw me while I was trudging through hell, and they were there for me to help me see it through to the end. And now they’re leaving. I feel like (and I voiced this to Katie tonight) a huge rock of stability is being ripped away from me. While I know this isn’t the last time I’ll see any of them, I know that they will no longer be there on a day to day basis for me to see, laugh with, talk to, and cry with. These people have taught me so much about myself, about life, and about love. What am I going to do without them? 

Next year, I have to be one of the seniors. One of those that people look up at and see how they need to be. Next year, instead of being able to depend on the wisdom of those older than me, I have to provide that wisdom to others. I cannot imagine what that is going to be like.

My recital is DONE!!!

It went mostly really well. My first piece was pretty terrible, to be honest. All who attended know this already…it was the first piece on my first recital, so I was nervous - but I got the  nerves out of my system. When I went backstage after that hot mess of a first piece, I just said “Wow, that was terrible.” and Dewitt looked at me and said “Look. Everyone out there loves you. We ALL love you. You have nothing to prove. Just go out there and play music and enjoy yourself.” After that….I took a breath, walked back out, and the rest of the recital went really, really well! I hate that I was so nervous for the first one, but it’s not the end of the world. 

Table Music was definitely a hit, that’s for sure! And I think everyone liked my singing :) That was actually the first time my parents have ever heard me sing, so they were very pleasantly surprised. 

Now that that’s over, I can breathe, relax, and finish the semester. A little easier said than done, because I still have so much to do in the next 2 weeks, but I’m so relieved that this huge leap is behind me! I have (mostly) successfully put on a recital, and now I can take pride in what I’ve accomplished.

Funny story, though…Carmenates told me to go to his office when I was done greeting everyone afterwards. When I got there, he had a hammer and a nail, and my program in a frame. He said “Time for you to continue a tradition. You get to nail your program to my wall!”

Oh. God. The last time I had handled a hammer and nail was building the set for Sweeney Todd, and that was very minimal. So I get up on the chair and start hammering the nail in. Once I thought it was secured, I let go of it and kept hammering. I hit it at an angle and the nail fell out and into a box of bubblewrap. We couldn’t find it, so Carmenates had to get another nail. While I was nailing that one in, Kyle’s program fell off the wall. Carmenates sighed and just said “Andy….you’re ruining the tradition!” Anyways, I finally got the dang thing up, and I just felt a lot more closure about the whole thing. IT’S OVER!!!

Thanks to everyone who attended….I felt very lucky to have as many friends there as I did :)

So, I was able to do my recital hearing with just 2 wind faculty, and I passed!! My recital is on Monday, and it’s all official and ready to go. I’m so glad it worked out, and now I’m very excited to show everyone just how much I’ve learned so far in my 3 years at Furman. 

On one hand, I’m very excited for it. On the other, I really can’t wait til it’s over so I can have time to finish up this semester - knowing that it’s all behind me and done, for better or for worse.

Here goes nothing!

So, I had to reschedule my recital jury from last week because not enough wind faculty could make it then due to the musicologist search (and Chicago). It is now roughly 18 hours before my rescheduled time, and I still need to hear from one more faculty member of a possible 4. 

This is getting a little stressful. If I can’t get enough for tomorrow, my last chance is Wednesday during band time. If that doesn’t work, I won’t have a recital. I’ve put so much work into preparing, and there’s a chance I won’t have a recital. A very real chance.

I have never been more on edge than I am now.

It’s impossible to please people sometimes. Now, I’m not a people pleaser at all - I’m who I am, take it or leave it. But I recognize that there are things I need to adjust if I am to be more accepted and loved by the people around me as much as I accept and love them. Life is a work in progress - I get that. You never stop changing. It’s hard for me to find that I need to adjust something about myself, and when I do, it takes a while for me to really grasp how much I need to change, or what I need to do to change. But eventually, I do feel that I end up changing, and I hope it’s usually for the better. It’s so frustrating, however, when I see people who think they’re just all around amazing and don’t need to change. Be they friend, acquaintance, or even someone I don’t like at all. It’s so very frustrating to see them constantly refuse to budge, and ignore their own faults. We’re all blind to our faults sometimes (or most of the time), but when it’s brought to light, we usually recognize it. But some people just flat out refuse to. 

What really gets me, though, is when people do recognize their faults and do nothing about them. “It’s just the way I am.” “Everyone else can just get used to it.” “I was born this way, and I’m not changing for someone else. I love who I am, and if you don’t love me, then screw you.” I hear these things from a lot of people. Hell, I’ll even admit I’ve said some things similar to this before, but not recently. I’ve grown out of that, I think. But why would anyone look at themselves, see something they don’t like, and NOT want to adjust? If you don’t like something about yourself, how can you expect someone else to like you? Or expect someone else to change for you? It’s really hypocritical, and it drives me insane.

…for 2 hours. And I didn’t suck.

I need to bring my timpani piece up to speed, but I’m really happy with my very recent progress! I’ll be ready for my recital…and that is such a relief.

Also, such good practice sessions are good for getting away from the world every once in a while. It sucks when they’re finished because you have to go back out there……but a great way to relieve stress and frustration.

I feel better now, but blech. Today has been a weird day.

….was bad. Really bad. I didn’t get much sleep, so that didn’t help things really. Classes were fine (even got a B on my ed test, so they were actually pretty good!) up until music history. Just before music history, I had my advising session with Dr. Hicken. We spoke and I thought I had everything together, until he told me that my voice lessons didn’t count as a music elective, even though I had been told otherwise last semester. I double checked with Emily Sweezey, and lo and behold….son of a bitch, they don’t. Which means that I have to overload with 19 hours for the second semester in a row. OK…so that’s not terrible - I chose Choral Conducting, so it should actually be fun. After music history, percussion methods (why am I taking this class again?), and orchestration (where we took a test), I went in to ARMS to figure out my schedule.

In order to graduate on time, I need an HES (health science), TA (Textual Analysis), and my stupid music elective. I put in the classes I already had lined up as classes I needed to take and started looking at open slots for classes. Wheeeeew….TA was no problem - I’m doing Science Fiction and Fantasy (with Sara and Tiffani!!), so it should be a great class, at 11:30 or something on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. OK, that’s great, it fits right in to my schedule since I have nothing on those days yet. Everything’s looking great…until I look into HES classes. The ONLY slot available that fits without conflicting with my other classes is at 7:30 in the morning…on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. 

Blaaaaaargh. Overloading AND getting up at 6:30 to do it. Yikes. Fortunately, I have Wednesdays to recover - I don’t have class until 11:30 then. Still….

Anyways, things kept going through the day, went to 3 hours of rehearsal, and finally got out completely mentally drained. And someone said something to me that really threw me off. I’m not going to say who or what because it’s not THAT big a deal and there’s no sense in putting it online. Suffice it to say that my mind is in no condition to digest it right now and I’m pooped.

I just got done with homework.

Bedtime. Tomorrow’s going to be better…I know this because I’m seeing Hunger Games at midnight!! I’m really excited.

Leggo.